The following document and its accompanying images were found, encrypted, on a USB flash drive someone had placed inside a jar of mayonnaise in the refrigerator. Fingerprints found on the jar do not follow the usual pattern of corved friction ridgers, instead forming an unusual cross-hatch pattern. Investigation into the appearance of this document is ongoing, but the culprit is currently suspected to be a robot, clone, robot clone, or robotic super clone from beyond the stars.
Much of the file was encrypted. What follows is what we were able to decipher, decode, and decrypt.
Also, some stuff we just made up. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Early last year, Agency Command became interested in the strange activities happening at a site that many classified government documents referred to as "Warehouse 23". My team was ordered to investigate. This report concerns the events surrounding our infiltration of Warehouse 23.
We conducted reconnaissance of the Warehouse perimeter for 2 weeks. The compound was surrounded by a 6-foot-tall, barbed-wired fence. The Warehouse saw a large number of a daily shipments, with upwards of thirty or forty trucks a day (some clearly military vehicles, some civilian). Strangely, most of the activity happened at night; the Warehouse appeared to be almost deserted during the daytime. It was decided that our optimum time for a successful infiltration would be in broad daylight.
Crossing the perimeter fence was easy. We threw a rug over the barbed wire and simply climbed across it. We sprinted across the compound to a side entrance of the primary building. Once there, Agent Jones stood guard while Agent Jenkins cracked the lock and I listened for sound from inside. We did not encounter any security patrols and are confident we maintained a zero-presence profile.
The interior of Warehouse 23 appeared normal at first. There were pallets, crates, boxes, and other shipping materials. It looked like an innocent, ordinary warehouse.
Eventually we found stairs leading down to the basement. This appears to be where the reported Things Man Was Not Meant to Know are kept. We found a number of crates with unusual labels, such as "Frog Rain Generator" and "Anti Anti Mind Control Hats."
Exploring the lower levels, we found even more bizarre and inexplicable things. One object appeared to be some sort of time machine. We could not decipher its controls, and fiddling with them did not produce any noticeable result.
There were many other strange things in that restricted section. Most we could not explain. In one chamber we saw a horrifying shape, just a shadow, of some reality-defying creature. We kept our distance, and skirted around that area.
For a more comprehensive list of what we found in the basement, see the attached manifest.
After exploring for awhile, we came across an altar deep within the warehouse basement. It appeared to be a processing station, where incoming oddities were brought to be packaged for long-term storage. The area was deserted.
Agent Jenkins was struck with curiosity and decided to open one of the boxes. Unfortunately, he was not expecting a First Contact situation.
A great struggle ensued. The disembodied hand had immense strength, requiring the effort of my entire team to force it back into the box. We prevailed, but whatever was in the box must have tripped an alarm. The area was soon swarming with patrols.
Our exfiltration path took us through the loading dock. Unfortunately, we were engaged by another security patrol. Agent Jones covered our escape. He was gunned down, but Agent Jenkins and myself were able to get outside.
On the outside, I used a nearby access panel to seal the giant blast door behind us, temporarily blocking further pursuit. We had a moment to breathe, so I quickly hacked into the buildings central computer and downloaded several security camera photos. Those pictures are included in this report, where appropriate.
Lastly, Agent Jenkins and myself fled across the compound, threading between cargo containers on our way to the perimeter fence. But we had lingered too long while I had hacked into the computer, and pursuit was close behind us.
Agent Jenkins was shot in the back as we ran. As Agency policy dictates that "the Agency helps those who help themselves," I had to leave Agent Jenkins behind as I escaped. This is the last view I had of him:
I fear I will not be able to evade my pursuers through the desert forever. That is why I am using this [FILE CORRUPTION] which will ensure that [FILE CORRUPTION] safe hands. It is my belief that, based upon our findings, we can proceed with [FILE CORRUPTION]
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